How to stop caring what people think of you

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Hey Reader,

There are a million videos on how to stop caring what people think. They’re loaded with reframes, exercises, and journal prompts. I've made a few myself because they can help.

But I don’t think this is really a tactics problem. I think it’s a cost problem.

And most people have no idea what caring too much is actually costing them.

So let me tell you a story on what it almost cost me.

Ever since I was 14, I wanted to be a professional drummer.

I grew up going to Warped Tour, going to hardcore shows, and drumming for bands that never panned out.

So in 2010, when I heard about YouTube, I had an idea: post drum covers of my favorite songs in the hopes of maybe getting picked up by a band.

I’d love to tell you my first videos were great.

They were not.

My first drum cover was me playing shirtless to Paramore.

It’s funny now.

It was not funny then.

I was in college at the time, and word got around campus fast.

One day I walked past a group of girls who were pointing at their phone, laughing, looking right at me.

They were watching one of my videos.

I was so humiliated that I went back to my dorm room and almost deleted everything.

But something inside me told me not to. In fact, I kept at it for another eight years.

And then something happened that I still can’t fully wrap my head around.

A band reached out. They needed a drummer, and apparently, my cringe shirtless videos had burned into their brain enough to make an impression (not the impression I was going for, but I’ll take it).

I flew to LA and got the gig.

And that was a moment my life completely changed.

I got to tour the world with that band.

We played rock festivals alongside some of the biggest names in music. I even got to play on late-night TV w/ Conan O’Brien.

And I remember the moment stepping on stage at Warped Tour Atlantic City in front of 30,000 people.

It was the same festival I’d been going to since I was 14, except now I was the one playing. The crowd noise I used to rehearse to was real.

I played that show with tears in my eyes.

It was one of the best moments of my entire life.

And I sit here writing this now thinking:

The best experience of my life almost didn’t happen because some people on campus laughed at a video.

And this is the thing nobody talks about with caring what people think. It kills the dreams you’d be most proud of.

Not loudly or dramatically.

You just… don’t post the video.

Don’t start the business.

Don’t sign up for the class where you meet the person you’re supposed to end up with.

And every time you let someone else’s opinion win, a path closes off to you. And you never even know what was on the other side of it.

So if there’s one reframe I’d give you from 34 years of learning this the hard way, it’s this:

The coolest things in your life are on the other side of someone’s opinion of you.

The thing you’ll tell your grandkids about. It’s all sitting behind a door you won’t open because you’re worried about what people will think when you do.

And the brutal part is you'll never know what you missed. That's what makes the cost of caring what other people think invisible.

Nobody shows you the life you didn't build.

There's no montage of what could have been.

You just keep choosing safe, and one day "what if" becomes the question keeping you up at night.

So think about who's holding you back right now.

I guarantee most of them don't have a face. They're anonymous commenters, people you went to high school with who haven't thought about you in years, or some imaginary audience in your head that doesn't actually exist.

Don't give a vote to people you'd never take advice from and whose lives you wouldn't trade for.

Open the door.

I recommend wearing a shirt, though :)

See you next saturday,

CK